In
Keeping Heidi Close,
Cindy Perkins shares her open and heartfelt pain, guilt, "if only's," hope, tears, journaling, letter writing, bargaining, therapy, spiritual struggles, and all that came with the death of her young daughter in the car that she was driving. With openness and honesty, she describes the accident and the compendium of things she tried to help heal her heart after this unthinkable loss. She shares watching her young son struggle with the profound loss of his big sister and, later, his survivor guilt as he became the "older brother," many years older than she ever got to be. Her perspective today to say "Yes, I am here, in my life!" speaks through the pages of this book. Yes, the pain is still in her heart. She has moved from those early days of not wanting to open her eyes to her new reality. She has learned how to hold her hurting soul and has gone on to have a wonderful, fulfilling life. She has changed and grown because of the loss of Heidi and the experiences that she was forced to have. She would change every bit of that to have Heidi back, but that is not to be. There is no road map. She is not in any way saying she knows the answers. She does not. She is reaching out to grieving parents and others experiencing profound loss so that, maybe, they might grab hold of something in her journey that gives them a piece of hope to grow from. This book is an invitation into her experiences and her heart and soul as she searched for new meanings and a way to learn to live with her pain and guilt.